To Be Yourself Again

Standing next to the fire, you struggle to keep warm during the night on top of this lonely hill. Acutely aware of every inch of your physical body and the complete tension throughout- the intense cold relentlessly grabs hold of every nerve. Your mind is clear, though, not empty, but very clear. Your thoughts rest on a single matter as you stare deeply into the flames of the fire you have created.

The snow seems to defy gravity in this strong wind. Instead of calmly floating down to the earth it is flying all around in a sort of erratic tenacity almost encircling you. The night is a brutal mixture of freezing temperatures, bitter winds, and a stinging sense of dark seclusion. Any other person would be unable to withstand such abuse. But no matter, you are alone on this hill; solitary in your troubles and unconcerned by such triviality. Your eyes never leave the flames.

You have been observing this makeshift bonfire of yours with such earnest and for such an enormous length of time you begin to notice something engulfed by the inferno. It’s a mirror. A mirror bearing your reflection, calmly starring back in response. You realize you have not simply been looking into a fire, but into the eyes of your self- your true self.

The heat begins to melt the edges of the mirror. Slowly from the outside inwards, the image of you is distorting. Yet your eyes stay true. Everything about you, everything you thought to be important, is now twisted and bent into an unrecognizable picture of your formal self. Yet your eyes stay true. Although surrounded by anonymity, your eyes are still you.

You can reach in and save this image if you want. You can quickly rescue this person you have turned into, the searing heat will only hurt for a moment. Then you can go about pretending everything is okay and nothing will ever change. Or you can let it go. Allow this person who is not you to melt away and leave only your eyes, the eyes of your true self.

Finally, for once you are doing something in your own interest. You let the fire destroy this stranger. It is difficult but it is necessary. For in death there is rebirth and in order to be reborn it is essential for your formal self to die. You must destroy a world to enter another. Unlike other funerals, though, this is a joyful one; it is a momentous occasion marking the beginning of the rest of your life.

You continue to stare into your eyes as the stranger disappears. You sink into your pupils. The darkness surrounds you. You become afraid and anxious. You have no clue as to what comes next and there is no one to guide you. But in this darkness, there is still the fire. It rekindles your life. It gives you hope. It returns you to whom you are.

You smile.

It is time to leave this hill. No longer are you trapped by its isolation. No longer are you confined to this artificial existence. Your life now belongs only to you. As you walk down the hill the sun begins to rise in the distance and the weather begins to calm. With every step your smile grows larger and your body grows more relaxed. You look back only once and regret nothing. For the fire is all that’s left and you left it on the hill.